again

Hey, friends. It's been too long. I've been a lazy blogger. I've been a lazy writer in general. Again. But I am nearing the last few pages of a 'Keep Calm and Carry On' journal. I'm looking forward to putting my pen to the fresh pages of a robin's egg blue journal with a bird and golden script on its cover. So at least there's that.

It has been more than mere writer's block — more like writer's drought. A famine of words. I often find myself sitting, sipping holy basil tea, looking wearily to our backyard red maple, and confessing to the Lord, "I don't know anything anymore." Slowly and stubbornly I have come to admit that it's not a bad place to be. I don't like it, but I know it's a blessing to fall on my knees before Jesus who knows everything. He is everything. "His steadfast love endures forever."

The famine is my fault. I have not cultivated letters into words and sentences because I did not want to be honest. I did not want to share more sufferings in my life. I did not want to share the joy and beauty lavished on me by the Lord. I did not want to write a single word of anything.

It's all quite immature and obnoxious.

Thankfully the Lord never lets me go. He has kept me in a dark place to change me into who He knows I will be. He's doing this because He loves me. And no matter my lack of typing and missing deadlines He's reminded me that I am a writer. I always have been, I always will be. He didn't remind me with another trial upon current trials, but with a few ridiculous blessings in particular. I cannot share those stories for legitimate reasons. I'm just trying to say that once the Lord calls you to do something, you can never escape that vocation. You might think you've escaped, but He finds you. It is good.

Last night I decided to resume blogging. Again. It will probably be a slow reentry. Again. But it's time to be honest. It's time to share my sufferings and count them all joy. It's time to seek out beauty and truth, take hold and never let go, and tell you what I find.