autumn health update, part 2

I procrastinated (again). I tried to find accurate words for this update, but it's been hard. Honesty is difficult. Writing is also hard today, but I'll give it a shot.

I'd like to say that my attitude is chipper every day whether I'm feeling good or bad, but that would be a lie. I grow tired of swallowing all of those pills, I resent the diet, I lose my temper, cry, fear, worry, and sulk.

With the beginning of autumn, I've struggled even more. Autumn is my favorite season (Christmas is a neck-and-neck runner-up). I love the pumpkins, cooler city air, smells, colors, spices, Thanksgiving, hugging family, and changing leaves. Such foliage is more lush in other states, but Houston does have changing trees. I also love the sweet treats which are not on my yeast-free diet. I surf around some of my favorite blogs and admire photographs of pumpkin bread, scones, and the like, and my very next thought is "poor me." I think of Pumpkin Ale and boy, am I grumpy.

That brings me to the hardest part of my treatment. I take a feisty little pill called Nystatin for a yeast imbalance in my whole body. Most Hotze patients eat the yeast-free diet and knock out Nystatin in 30 days. Others (including myself and even some of the nurses) are more sensitive to Nystatin and must drag out the diet, taking the medication at a slower pace. After breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I open a capsule, lick the end of a toothpick, and dab it in the medicinal powder. Then I lick the powder off the toothpick. My ultimate goal is two capsules three times a day. How I'll get there, I don't know, but with every lick I think, "I can do all things through Christ" and "I'm a coach's daughter!"

Nystatin kills off the yeast overgrowth in my body, and as yeast die and make their exit, I'm basically in detox. The yeast die-off can manifest in a variety of ways, but my main symptoms are heartburn, acid reflux, muscle weakness & twitches, fatigue, tired eyes, headaches, dizziness, and stomach issues. I don't enjoy driving lately due to the dizziness, so I tag along with Johnny. I can't think straight most of the time; I'm way behind on reading. It is hard to focus. I'm content to camp out on the couch, but I request neighborhood walks with Johnny to soak in soothing sunshine.

The good thing is that during my last doctor's visit, he said with complete confidence, "This is absolutely winnable." He said it will take a few more months, but once the yeast is killed, I will feel on top of the world. Killing yeast will also get rid of heartburn and acid reflux, among other symptoms. On Sunday nights Johnny plays drums with a guitar player who did this treatment under my doctor's guidance. He told Johnny I need to hang on because he can see colors again. We know a few other people who survived this as well and they have nothing but positive feedback. Even though they understand the difficulty, they encourage me to persevere to see the benefits. It seems like everywhere I turn, either someone raves about the Hotze clinic or desperately wishes they could afford the health regimen.

And so, this week I've started to turn from my grumpy ways. In the spirit of autumn and Thanksgiving, I honestly try to conjure grateful thoughts. Many, many people around the world would give an arm for such good medication and vitamins. God provided a way for us to afford the expensive costs. My last blood work results revealed significant improvements! I don't use the asthma inhaler or nebulizer anymore. I don't need Xanax anymore. My TMJ is much better. And in faith I know that God led us to the Hotze clinic to heal my out-of-whack body for babies and safer pregnancies.

I cannot say my faith is strong every day. There are days I doubt what God has shown me - a little girl and boy. I question the once clear dreams, their names already given. I waver when calculating my age and Johnny's - not old at all, but older than I envisioned. But other days I look around our house and see where I'll place a miniature kitchen for Genevieve or a small table & chairs for both children. I imagine their personalities and what they will choose to do in life.

On the good, more faithful days, I turn on some music, march over to the "medicine counter", swallow hormones, vitamins, and that damn Nystatin, and pray. I'm in this to win, nothing is impossible with God, and faith is not about what I can see or understand. All of this - yeast die-off and all - is a blessing. No more driving to numerous doctors in Houston. We found a great one with answers I prayed for, less than five minutes away from our house. This is an opportunity for me to learn courage. I typically flee from discomfort and pain, but now I'm making my coach-Dad proud with attempts to be tough (he said).

There are better days, too, and good meals. Last night Johnny cooked cedar plank salmon on the outdoor grill. He also grilled red bell peppers and yellow squash, two of my favorite veggies. That didn't even taste yeast-free! My favorite snack is taro chips and hummus. Hotze's stuffed eggplant recipe is to die for. Then there are avocados, thank God. There is also Whole Foods' vanilla honey lip balm which smells like a cupcake. OK, so I can't eat lip balm, but when you dine yeast-free, you take what you can get. I cannot drink coffee every day, but I did on Monday - fragrant chicory coffee, no less. Note to self: buy pecan coffee.



As for autumn, I've been burning an amazing pumpkin candle, I continue to arrange pumpkins and pine cones, and I listen to Sun Kil Moon's Ghosts of the Great Highway. This is autumn music to me. I first heard it in Nashville, TN when Johnny and I traveled for Kierstin's wedding. Tennessee is beautiful this time of year - we can hardly wait to return. We stayed with Katy, shopped at Pangaea, I was a bridesmaid. One morning before the wedding, Johnny and I lounged at Bongo Java East with coffee and Kierstin joined us later. As we waited, I heard haunting, lovely music overhead. I asked a barista who was playing? He/she said Sun Kil Moon, and it's been on my wish list ever since. Yesterday I said to myself, I can't eat a pumpkin scone, but I can buy Sun Kil Moon on iTunes! And so I did. It's a great record.