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3/19/2009

feeling blue

I am feeling blue today. Though blue is my favorite color, I don't care for it to leech onto my soul. This disconsolation crept up the past few days with typical, odd Houston weather, such as waking at 7:00 am to a blanket of fog, our neighbors' houses barely visible. Starving for light, I kindled a soy candle in the room. Then, 11:00-ish or so, when I'd just about given up hope, the sun jumped out like a surprise party attendee. Thank God. Sunshine is like Prozac for me.

This was our climate schedule today as well, but even with the natural light, I'm still feeling blue as I type this sentence. I mean, the Marilynne Robinson-endorsed novel, Tinkers, isn't even in our local library system for me to request. I really do know better. I am blessed, but so incredibly human - a creature in need of comfort and cheer...

I had Whimsy & Spice treats delivered to Johnny just because. Hazelnut chocolate whisky sandwich cookies and homemade cardamom marshmallows. The look on his face made me quite happy. As he put a marshmallow in his coffee this morning, I thought, "Yes. I married the perfect man." Also, if you haven't read Alissa's interview with Jenna of Whimsy & Spice, you ought to.

I didn't think J. should have to enjoy sweets all by himself, so I whipped up a batch of my own cookies before a fantastic episode of LOST. That is my favorite TV show, but Battlestar is a close second. I might have to love both equally.

I started Nine Horses in bed last night as my husband slept. I savored poem after poem after poem. I read a good amount of poetry, but there is something about Billy Collins's work that is more readable than most. And in my present sad case, very comforting as well. See what I mean?

Birthday

Before it was over
I took out a pencil and a notepad
and figured out roughly what was left-
a small box of Octobers, a handful of Aprils,

little time to waste reading a large novel
on the couch every evening,
a few candles flaming in the corners of the room.
A fishbowl of Mondays, a row of Fridays-

yet I cannot come up with anything
better than to strike a match,
settle in under a light blanket,
and open to the first sentence of
Clarissa.

Look at me setting off on this long journey
through ink and tears,
through secrecy and distress,
anticipation and swordplay.

As the darkness thickens
and the morning glory puts down its trumpet,
as worms begin to sing in the garden,
and Christ looks down from the wall,

I will begin inching toward the end-
page one thousand five hundred and thirty-three
in this paperback Penguin edition,
introduction and notes by one Angus Ross
.

"Study in Orange and White" and "Today" were good, too, among several others.

This morning I told Johnny that even he - not a big poetry reader - would like Billy Collins. I explained the humor of "More Than a Woman" which backfired because my dear husband sang that ditty ad nauseum. Now I really relate to the poem:



The surprising sun is winning me over. I'm starting to feel heartened. Here's what I'll do:

-sip more coffee.
-finish Nine Horses.
-delve into work-related matters.
-listen to a bit of the new Mars Hill Audio Journal (volume 95).
-flip through the new TOAST catalogs.

And my parents will be in town this evening to celebrate their part of my brother's belated birthday. I'll enjoy a cup of tea at his pub, then dine with my favorite people. Plus, this verse is true. I have all that I need, right in the murky fog.

6 comments:

shari said...

hi jenni--i will send you tinkers if you mail it back when you are done. hope you are feeling better.

laura said...

jenni, i just tried to comment but it got lost in the ether - here's try #2. God bless you w/peace today, in your whole body. if you have a couple extra bucks lying around, come to DC and go visit the korean gmas at www.spaworldusa.com! spaworld is my answer to sadness - altho i do really like billy collins' sit-on-the-couch-and-read idea. a billy collins poem about spaworld would be hilarious. lmbg

Kimberly said...

hope you had a wonderful visit with your family!

jenni said...

Shari, that is such a kind offer! I looked for Tinkers at a used bookstore yesterday, but no luck. I'll e-mail you here in a sec...

Laura, I intend to visit Spa World one of these days, but only if you'll join me! It would be nice to meet. Thanks for your kind words - still fighting the blues today. Boo.

Although, I do need to use a gift certificate from my Mom-in-law - an aromatherapy massage. SOON.

kate o. said...

isn't it interesting what makes one person relieved of blue-ness? those mornings when i wake up feeling down, i pray the sun doesn't peek out. perhaps i feel like if the world looks gray, we'll have a little blue party and get back to "normal" the next day. or maybe i think the dark sky gives me permission to be down.

i think your to-do list would help me feel better. and now i must go renew my mars hill subscription.

jenni said...

Kate, your blue-theory is very interesting. Today, I added cookies with my morning coffee, and black bean chili and root beer Zevia for lunch. Johnny says we're having a new hummus recipe AND guacamole tonight during the finale of Battlestar Galactica. I say feed a sad mood, don't you?