in 2008

So far today:
-A mug of Organic Breakfast tea.
-Cedar incense.
-Psalm 103 (one of my most favorites),
Deuteronomy 30:1-10 (beautiful),
Ephesians 2:11-22.
-Blue sky, sunshine, chilly weather.
-Scrambled eggs and y.f. peanut butter cookies for breakfast.
-A mug of Orange Dulce tea.
-Talking to my Mom on the phone.

In 2008:
Who knows?

Last night - our first New Year's Eve in our house - I discovered that the kids in our neighborhood are really intense about fireworks. I'm all for 1-2 hours of fun and celebration, but as of 1:00 am I morphed into "Old Lady Simmons", ready to run outside in my pajamas and yell, "Enough already!" I figured that was not very charitable, so I stayed indoors. But really, it sounded as if an artillery had set up camp on our street. I'm not making light of living in a war zone, but I tried to imagine what it would be like to dwell with the continual soundtrack of gunshot, bombs, and the like. I could not. I'm thankful I do not.

All of this was preceded by our not-so-exciting New Year's Eve. Not feeling well, I sulked, even asking God, "What are You doing?" This unfaithful mood was lightened, though. My husband and I are not social dancers. He told me a funny story about one of his exes. A few of her girl-friends came over one night, the ex turned on some music, and they all started dancing. Johnny said he knew then it was over. To prove his point, he turned on Elvis (he's a big fan) and mimicked dancing at a party, one we might have at our house. With a cocktail in hand, Johnny danced around our living room, pretending to talk to our friends; even looking upward as if he were talking to our taller friends. I'm really not doing his performance justice - it was hilarious! I laughed so hard I could barely breathe. But then I went back to sulking as the fireworks continued.

Today I woke up grumpy. After reading those verses above, I made a New Year's resolution. I don't usually make such vows, but this one is important. I'm bound to fail along the way, but I'll ask forgiveness and keep trucking along. The resolution is to trust God. I do, or thought I did, but if I cannot remain peaceful on a bad yeast die-off day, or keep wondering why in the hell I'm not feeling much better after all these months of treatment, well then, I need to trust God; not rely on what I understand. If I don't try to keep that resolution, my life will seem like a crapshoot.

I often ask God to speak to me. I try to decipher what He is doing; not just in my life, but in my friends' lives, my family's. Around the world. Suffering? Pain? Poverty? Waiting? And waiting? That is the main reason I decided to read the Bible with more frequency. There I have His Word in a beautiful tattered cover. And so I read it. I'll keep on reading it. He speaks, and I will learn to trust.

Milo caught my eye today. He was poised, waiting at the foot of the stairs, listening to Harley call him from the top of the stairs. They do this every single day as part of play-time. Then Milo runs up the stairs and they race around upstairs, down the stairs, in each room of the house until they grow weary. I snapped a picture of Milo because it's how I feel today. I sit, look forward, and wait. I have many questions. So many. In a little while I'll iron the Lotta 2008 calendar, Johnny will help me hang it in the kitchen; I'll flip over the other new calendars and dream of what will happen this year. Though I feel confused today, I also have lots of hope.

We are loving each Juniper Ridge incense. Yesterday my hair smelled like white sage all day long, and so did Milo's fur (I like to kiss behind his ears often). Each scent reminds me and Johnny of one of our favorite states: Colorado. The mountains, the crisp air, and campfire. Every morning as incense smoke twirls upward, I pretend to see the Rockies in our backyard instead of struggling, winter grass. I remember these verses:

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth."
[Psalm 121:1-2]