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4/27/2008

i'm a very slow learner

[Harley sleeps easily on any windowsill. Lucky him.]

I think the weather widget was wrong. No thunderstorm yet, unless it shows up later tonight. We had a major storm the other night, though. I couldn't sleep (again). I was angry, and speaking to God in a manner that I'm pretty sure didn't fall under righteousness. God did not send lightning through our roof, the second floor, our bedroom ceiling, then strike me dead, but with the way I was speaking, He could've. He is merciful. The funny thing is, when I said one particular caustic phrase, a deafening clap of thunder boomed right then, lightning illuminated our bedroom, and the overly-sensitive alarm went off, sending Milo straight under our comforter. God got my attention. I shut the hell up and repented, after my heart quit racing. No lie.

So, yesterday I was piddling around online, listening to more Sun Kil Moon, and quite out of nowhere a list started forming in my mind. The list entails a few things I believe I'm supposed to be learning during these many, yeasty months.

Here they are, in no particular order:
-Do not fear, for crying out loud.

-And don't worry.

-Do not raise my voice, no matter how bad I feel.

-Trust God and don't try to control everything, for Pete's sake.

-"Be kind one to another."

-Hold on to my temper.

-Watch my mouth.
[see a pattern here?]

-No matter the interesting blogs & e-mail that await; say the Confession, pray, and read the Psalms first. It is better for my psyche. Especially on the "bad days."

-Respect my husband even more. Listen to him always. He is wise.

-What kind of wife I want to be; what kind of Mom. God help me, how to guide our kids through fears and worries of their own.

-Obedience in general. I've been learning this by following nurses' orders, heeding my husband's advice, swallowing supplements when I don't feel like it, etc.. Boy, I really am stubborn.

-And, I am supposed to write. God will guide me, as in everything.

-I'm also supposed to read a lot.

-Learn guitar - for fun.

-Sing around the house more.

-What true beauty is - mostly inner - and not what I see in the mirror. The "sick look" will leave as yeast make their grand exit.

-Let go of my perceptions of time.

-Pray for my [future] children, right now - for my pregnancies, doctors, my deliveries, the kids' health, their spouses, and the like. My parents are a great example of this kind of prayer; they did/do so for me and my brother.

-Pray more. About everything.

-Before I freak out - pray.
[another pattern]

-Selflessness (vs. selfishness).

-Exercise, which right now means walking more often and attending a nearby yoga class. I think I found just the place!

-Along those lines - quit worrying about how I look (again). I want to lose some weight, but I swear that I'm not supposed to do strenuous exercise until my adrenal glands are stronger. If I walk + join a yoga class, and eat a few more healthy snacks per day, my metabolism should improve. And more so as my doctor figures out the ultimate thyroid medication dosage. But you know what? Weight is not the end of the world. I'll lose it, I will heal, and well, Johnny is somehow very complimentary, sweet man.

-Health is nothing I deserve, but a gift.

-Comfort does not lie in foods that I miss, nor much else but the Lord.

-What I will say to others who are sick or downtrodden in other ways. I have no idea what to say yet, but like I said, I'm learning.

-Yes, Johnny is definitely the better half here.

-Creativity.

-Be still. He is God, remember? I sense this the most when I first lie (lay?) down at night, and in the bathtub. Yep, the tub - lit candles and hushed silence except for the sound of warm water as I stir in Epsom salts and tea tree oil. Funny how God teaches us.

-"Thou also shalt light my candle: the Lord my God shall make my darkness to be light." [Psalm 18:28] Currently, a peppermint-vanilla candle is a great visual of this lesson.

-Believe in the miraculous.

-How blessed am I!

-To do the right things without expectations.

-I've been fighting yeast since July 2007. To me, this seems like forever. I handled it semi-OK for awhile, but lately, as I've mentioned, I am failing in the gracious department. Last week, I clicked one of my mixed links - PrisonerAlert - and read about Li Mei:

"In July 2007, 42-year-old Li Mei and nine house church leaders were arrested, when they were discovered having a Sunday worship service. They were charged with singing Christian hymns to villagers, showing the JESUS film in a nursing home and praying for healing for a disabled elderly man. The nine were sentenced to re-education through labor for 12 to 18 months. Li Mei served part of her one-year sentence in a hospital with both hands chained to her bed. Repeated beatings and torture caused her to require a hysterectomy. She is currently serving the remainder of her sentence at home under house arrest.

We invite you to write a letter of encouragement to Li Mei. We have experienced great results when readers write to believers who have been imprisoned for their faith. The letters make a difference, often resulting in shorter prison terms. Please send a letter of encouragement and let Li Mei know you are praying for her. Also, write to the Chinese government requesting that Li Mei be released. Let your friends know about suffering believers in China and encourage them to write
."

I'm sorry if her story disturbs you, but it should, I think. When I read it, I felt nauseous, and like an idiot for moaning about my health. I tried to imagine what Li Mei has been through in the same amount of time. I could not, and honestly, I didn't really want to. I believe I'm supposed to pray for her and other prisoners.

And the next time I doubt God's mercy in my yeasty life, I need to remember Who I'm talking to. With Him, always, there is mercy; He loves me.

4 comments:

Kimberly said...

I must confess that I've had a terrible mind set this weekend. I needed to read what you just posted. I'll start working on my attitude adjusment now.

jenni said...

I'm glad this helped you, Kimberly. Don't be too hard on yourself, though. Being sick for so long is very hard, and we can go to God w/our heartbreak, too. I just need to be careful how I talk to Him. Very careful. I'm praying for you!

nicole said...

hi, you. I've been suffering from a heart and thyroid condition for quite some time. it's put me in and out of many meds - that have never helped, but only hindered. they've caused me to gain some unavoidable weight, as well, which is a big heartbreaker. it's good to read this. I need to be reminded of the steadfastness of the Lord and his commitment to the well-being of his creation.

jenni said...

Amen, Nicole. I am praying for you!